you would pick up someone in the library
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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