It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
