Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So many bounce houses so little time
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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