is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
