I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
