Define "chronic" masturbator.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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