I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
