She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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