There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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