I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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