you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
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my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
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He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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