Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
