I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
