Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
