you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
