I think I won the penis lottery.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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