Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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