its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
