Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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