Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
