my being single is dangerous.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
