the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
