I'm really into asian looking animals
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
