all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
