and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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