We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
