Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
