My room smells like vodka and shame
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
