Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
