weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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