The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
