Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
