nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
PS: I just woke up from my shower
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
