sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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