well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
