I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
why is half of my head shaved?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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