I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
