glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
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is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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