I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
