I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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