I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
