if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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