dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I look better un-naked...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
