my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
