So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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