Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I had to cum in my sink.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
