Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
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IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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