i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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