i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
