i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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