Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
