my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
