i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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