Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
420 ftw
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
