my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
