The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
