can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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