Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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