I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
